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mackeyct
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Name: Colin
Country: United States
State: New York
Birthday: 8/23/1974
Gender: Male
Interests: Jesus, family, church family, friends, baseball
Expertise: i wouldn't call myself an expert
Occupation: Other
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
10/16/2005
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| What....."What's going on?"
"I don't know. Something happened at Presbytery."
The presence of God yesterday at church was like nothing I had really experienced before. Or if I had, I don't remember it. So my next question after the one above was "Is it going to be like this every week?" I hope so.
I have felt apathetic. At BASIC earlier this month I remember thinking I wanted God to draw me - I felt that I needed that because my soul seems to remember what it's like to be seared - cold. Like I don't have it in me to take the steps toward Him. Could that be true? Well, one of my well learned and oft used defense mechanisms - no feeling (which seems to have a strong partnership with extreme selfishness) - has been rearing it's very ugly head. I don't like it when I see it in me and all I could truly muster was that I wanted to want God to draw me back. Back to, and beyond, where I had been before with Him before. I wanted to want it - but I don't think I really wanted it. (I love that God knows me and can see through what I would have Him see. I can avoid the effort of trying to fool Him. It just saves time and energy when I choose to remember it!)
So returning from BASIC I have made some less than stellar attempts to get back into the swing of things spiritually. It was me doing something that I was less than excited about. Weak and broken. It did not feel good. I didn't want it.
But yesterday I felt like God was drawing me to Himself - like when I got saved. Like that but also different. It was good. My heart was softened. I was weeping right along with Pastor Mike. It was exciting - but it also felt like conviction. And not like condemnation. It was like the feeling that you get at the dawn of a baseball season (as a player not a fan). You are weeks away from competition and you know what needs to be done AND you really want to do it. The preparation. You are excited to pitch off a wooden indoor mound. Almost giddy to throw these meaningless pitches with no batter waiting at homeplate. You can sense the purpose of what is going on. There can be an enjoyment in the preparation. That was there yesterday. Anticipation! It's a good feeling - especially when the habit is no feeling. And I think I went from wanting to want it to just wanting it!! Does that make sense?? It's all a little strange to try to express - and sorry for all the baseball.
You see, there are events going on around me that have caused me to realize afresh that me need for Him is so great (you know the events of the last 3 years!!). I want to do things right and there is only one way that I could ever do that - with Him. My need for Him is so great. And I am so stubborn. At some level me realizing that I need Him is a knock to my very fragile ego. Bizarre - how self centered am I? Anticipation, however, seems to be the antidote for my stubbornness.
It does seem weird that after all He's done for me that I need him to draw me again. Well, it does and it doesn't. It does seem weird because He is so good to me and for me (and I KNOW it) that it seems like I would naturally run to Him with open arms. But It doesn't seem weird because, while I don't always understand why I don't, I know that I don't run to Him. I need Him to hold me. I am so broken I need Him to shield me from myself. The drama performed yesterday at church was so good. The picture that it shows is so accurate. He protects me from myself and what I've welcomed and run to in my life. That's why I need Him to hold me. That's why I need Him to draw me - again and again.
Thank you, Jesus. Help to never feel as though I have grasped how good you are, how sinful I am, and how much I NEED YOU. I am anticipating............................
I hope so.
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| ...not realshocked. i feel as shocked now as when i checked my email yesterday afternoon and read on the prayer alert that things might not be alright. i have hardly even had a conversation with Christian (or Liz for that matter). however, in a situation like this familiarity is not needed to weep with those who are weeping. i am only writing about this now because that is exactly what is happening - my emotions are stirred to sorrow more than they have been in quite some time. and i can think of little else.
as a newcomer to CFC, i "snuck in the backdoor" of their wedding and was completely blessed and honored to be there. wow - the majesty and grandness of the occasion alone was enough to take my breath away. then, "getting to know them" as the evening went on, i was struck by the dignity and virtue of the couple themselves and especially how it is they came together. in addition to Liz, my heart is really breaking for Jon. he was so pleased with the role that he had played in bringing Christian and Liz together, and rightfully so. this truly was a family affair - what a blessing.
the truth is there is some familiarity here. Dr. Nordberg and Margaret really opened up their lives to Ann and me in the past year. as we were planning our wedding they had us over what seemed weekly for meals and would take the time to see how things were going, give ideas and, countless times, provide wonderful counsel. with Ann's mom 150 miles away and mine having passed away, she really took us under her wing and helped us through the planning process. as a matter of fact, most of the decorations at our wedding belonged to the Nordbergs and our special day was due in large part to Margaret's efforts, planning and organization. so often during our visits we heard about what was happening with Liz and Christian (and the dogs), and the boys (and the dogs) as well. i actually feel like i know them all pretty well, at this point, although in actuality it's all through the eyes of their mom. but, that is a pretty good vantage point.
with all the Ann and i have received from the Nordbergs, it wasn't until the last couple days that i realized one thing that Margaret had given to me in the past year. as i stood in the Nordberg kitchen Thursday afternoon and Margaret spoke with Jon on the phone, i heard something so familiar to me. familiar, yet some sort of a memory. i heard a mother really being a friend to her grown son, and it so reminded me of my mother. you see, i think that my mom could have been considered an expert at being a mother to her grown children. she seemed to know the perfect balance between giving us the space that we needed to grow as adults and also being there to lean on when we needed her. i think we (me and siblings) all felt like our mom was our best friend. and over the past year, and especially yesterday afternoon, i saw Margaret doing the very same thing for her children.
as i have thought about this the past couple days, i realized that's what Margaret was doing for my wife-to-be and me. she was so respectful of all involved not step on toes or overstep any boundaries. yet, every time we needed her she came through in astounding ways - far beyond expectations. in the past year Margaret's was such a familiar influence to me that i guess i didn't even see it. i am only saying it now because i just realized it and, well, that's just what i do.
i am really writing this to somehow express the sadness my heart is carrying. i had to let it get out of me a little. you can only talk just so much. i usually exhaust whoever i happen to be talking to. and since Ann has long since gone to bed, my chosen outlet is xanga.
i really want to email them or comment on a blog. but, i know what i have to say has nothing to do with what they truly want. i know that nothing i say will ease anything and not being able to fix things frustrates me. so i will let my wife do the emailing. one scripture is rolling around in my head. maybe because a sadness like this is the epitome of our struggles in this world, of which we are foreigners. and there is only one remedy.....
"He who testifies to these things says, 'Yes, I am coming soon.' Amen. Come, Lord Jesus. The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people. Amen."
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| I have just learned the "unofficial" favorite comedian of CFC is going to be performing in Albany, NY tomorrow night. Look here....
Is anyone up for a roadtrip??
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| After some further looking...the website ranking the best rural places to live (with St. Lawrence County as #6) shows a picture of something (a building) that is owned by a CFC family. Go HERE, and click on the link to look at more pictures and look at the first picture. Anyone recognize it??? Exciting stuff.
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| This is a response to a comment that James left for my previous entry.
James...I certainly don't want to debate with you as to which place is more North Country - Knapps Station or DeKalb. But I think you may be mistaking Knapps Station for another place. It is a distinct location separate from Norwood or Norfolk and it's not Raymondville (or anywhere near Route 56 for that matter). I like to call it a suburb of Norwood. It is at the crossroads of several county routes and side roads.
And it most definitely does not have a Stewart's. It has a country corner store (which you should go to if you've never had a the opportunity to before.) The question of whether Knapps Station or DeKalb is more North Country - well, I'll leave that for the readers to decide.
I do want to clarify something....I am NOT saying that I don't like the North Country. I am simply surprised by other people mistaking me for a non-North Country native - an alien to the North Country. Especially with my beard going in full force, I would think that I have North Country written all over me. That is all. I like living here and I am happy that I was born and grew up here. Am I going to have to start wearing a carhart jacket??? Maybe that's an idea for the wedding....carhart bib-overalls, carhart jacket, and steel toed boots. But then, with the wedding being in the Utica area, I think I would just be misunderstood. But not in the North Country.
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