| | "What's going on?"
"I don't know. Something happened at Presbytery."
The presence of God yesterday at church was like nothing I had really experienced before. Or if I had, I don't remember it. So my next question after the one above was "Is it going to be like this every week?" I hope so.
I have felt apathetic. At BASIC earlier this month I remember thinking I wanted God to draw me - I felt that I needed that because my soul seems to remember what it's like to be seared - cold. Like I don't have it in me to take the steps toward Him. Could that be true? Well, one of my well learned and oft used defense mechanisms - no feeling (which seems to have a strong partnership with extreme selfishness) - has been rearing it's very ugly head. I don't like it when I see it in me and all I could truly muster was that I wanted to want God to draw me back. Back to, and beyond, where I had been before with Him before. I wanted to want it - but I don't think I really wanted it. (I love that God knows me and can see through what I would have Him see. I can avoid the effort of trying to fool Him. It just saves time and energy when I choose to remember it!)
So returning from BASIC I have made some less than stellar attempts to get back into the swing of things spiritually. It was me doing something that I was less than excited about. Weak and broken. It did not feel good. I didn't want it.
But yesterday I felt like God was drawing me to Himself - like when I got saved. Like that but also different. It was good. My heart was softened. I was weeping right along with Pastor Mike. It was exciting - but it also felt like conviction. And not like condemnation. It was like the feeling that you get at the dawn of a baseball season (as a player not a fan). You are weeks away from competition and you know what needs to be done AND you really want to do it. The preparation. You are excited to pitch off a wooden indoor mound. Almost giddy to throw these meaningless pitches with no batter waiting at homeplate. You can sense the purpose of what is going on. There can be an enjoyment in the preparation. That was there yesterday. Anticipation! It's a good feeling - especially when the habit is no feeling. And I think I went from wanting to want it to just wanting it!! Does that make sense?? It's all a little strange to try to express - and sorry for all the baseball.
You see, there are events going on around me that have caused me to realize afresh that me need for Him is so great (you know the events of the last 3 years!!). I want to do things right and there is only one way that I could ever do that - with Him. My need for Him is so great. And I am so stubborn. At some level me realizing that I need Him is a knock to my very fragile ego. Bizarre - how self centered am I? Anticipation, however, seems to be the antidote for my stubbornness.
It does seem weird that after all He's done for me that I need him to draw me again. Well, it does and it doesn't. It does seem weird because He is so good to me and for me (and I KNOW it) that it seems like I would naturally run to Him with open arms. But It doesn't seem weird because, while I don't always understand why I don't, I know that I don't run to Him. I need Him to hold me. I am so broken I need Him to shield me from myself. The drama performed yesterday at church was so good. The picture that it shows is so accurate. He protects me from myself and what I've welcomed and run to in my life. That's why I need Him to hold me. That's why I need Him to draw me - again and again.
Thank you, Jesus. Help to never feel as though I have grasped how good you are, how sinful I am, and how much I NEED YOU. I am anticipating............................
I hope so.
|
| | Posted 4/28/2008 12:00 PM - 28 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
- recommend
  - recs0
- share
- email
 - sent0
|
